Know Your Self to Know Your Blog...

 

I've wanted to have a blog for the past few years, but really struggled to find my feet as a blogger. I now realise it was because I didn't really know who I was and I wasn't living my authentic life.

I spent a great deal of time watching Oprah as  teenager and D.Phil. and they taught me far more than school ever did. Now I am not saying you don't need  an education, but I am saying their life advice has given me a wisdom that I have always clung too, because what use is an education without common sense and wisdom?

When I first started blogging, I really had no idea what I was doing, and I hadn't even read any blogs except Tavi Gevinson. I was amazed at how cool the idea of blogging was, it was like a dairy, like a  peep into another person's soul and I thought that was very interesting.

My favourite type of blogs are the ones that are more authentic, that look kind of dodgey. I'm not a huge fan of blogs that look too much like a professional website as I think they lose something in the translation.

Something happened to blogs a few years ago and they started getting fancier and fancier and becoming mini websites. While I think it's important to have an aesthetically pleasing and well set out blog, It should for all intensive purposes still feel like a blog and reflect the character of it's author/s.

My first blog was supposed to be a vintage clothing blog, but then it turned into a personal blog and I really had no idea what I was fucking doing. It would be a food blog, talk about Autism blog, op-shop scores blogs, challenge blog, you know like a portrait a week for 52 weeks etc
It was random to sat the least.

Now, after multiple attempts with blogging, changing my blogs name, changing the template constantly etc...I lost any readers or audience I had because I fucked around with it so damn much. If I don't know what I 'm doing- the audience isn't going to trust me.

A few years ago, I actually got very depressed because my blog seemed like a fruitless waste of time, but like  I said, it was just me making white noise into the blogsphere because I  didn't really live what I was doing.

When you are aligned with your life's purpose, you feel it in your soul. This is how I feel about writing and everyone I know tells me I am a good writer and to keep at it. I always did well in English with my creative writing and it was these marks that tipped me over into the advanced English class.

I have known since I was a child that I was born to write. I think that when something is your reason for being on this earth you just know. Writing is like breathing to me and I need to write to function, to be happy, to calm and abate my nerves, to get out my feelings and feel normal. 

It is this belief and this knowledge that I need to channel into myself and my blog. I'm not going to blog about cars or giraffes am I? If I did it would not be authentic. I wouldn't really give a crap and wouldn't have a whole lot to say on the topic would I?

But get me talking about my stories, about books, and about what ignites my soul and hopefully it will translate into something that other people can enjoy and understand.

Always choose the topic that ignites you to blog about because that is where you will flourish, be true to yourself and live your authentic life.

Because I have so many diverse interest, I decided to have several blogs, one for vintage stuff and cheap horror films, one for writing, and one that was more personal and crafty. 

Now I feel much more content knowing that I can express all parts of me, with confidence and the knowledge that I kind of know where I'm going now!

Rainy Day Rummaging

 

All my life I've scribbled and written. It has accumulated to a large amount of drawings and stories over the years. I have kept anything that I liked or thought was half decent, always with the intent of doing something with it one day.

Well now, it is one day and I am starting to organise my stories and get them illustrated. It's exciting, so exciting, as I am not just day dreaming anymore, but actually being proactive!

It is very therapeutic, actually, and also weird. I found a dairy from like 11 years ago, full of shopping list and budgeting, but in the margins were my drawings and stories...I clearly ran out of paper lol.

I also found my children's scrap books I've been making for them, and a picture of me pregnant with my second child, looking so young and so different. It really took me back to that time.

I've been married twice, and both situations were not ideal, and it really took me back to a place where I was not happy. It made me realise for the first time in my life, I am actually happy and content, and I am ok with being single and being on my own.

I have plans and ambition, and just want to create a happy home for my kids. 

I had some leggings and a new dress come in the mail this week, which I was super excited about. I've had a pretty rough month due to a head injury and chest infection, and I was getting pretty housebound.

Yesterday, I thought I'd sneak out to the supermarket, and was feeling like the world’s biggest scab. I am still slightly limping and I ran into two of my friends, as you do. They didn't care, but I felt like Josie Grosse in Never been Kissed.

So, after my little pity party and chocolate adventure yesterday, I ate healthily today and put on some makeup. I tried on my new dress with my floral crown, and I felt like a million dollars for the first time in a month.

I bought myself this dress as a present to congratulate myself for making it through a very tough year. It's now been a year and one day, over it in fact and I can apply for divorce whenever I like. I'm not sad anymore, I'm actually relieved, and I know that nothing can go back to the way it was. Just like the poem, Splendour in the Grass.

Though nothing can bring back the hour

Of splendor in the grass, of glory in the flower,

We will grieve not, rather find

Strength in what remains behind…

It always say that in my head, to remind myself that it's only forward from here. So, this is my celebration dress. I am also going to wear it when I sing with my sister. I am doing a Cert 3 in music Performance, as well as a Cert 4 in Education Support, which I am also most finished (got one and half assignments to go, plus three weeks work experience).

I'm happy things are looking up, I feel as though I have been in a transitional stage for so long, just trying to make sense of life, make sense of everything, but finally, I am healing and seeing the way forward.

The kids and I also played hang man and restarted reading the Wizard of Oz series. We started it like over a year ago and life happened and we didn't end up finishing it. I actually have the entire series, so will be fun to read through all the different books. Major writer inspiration right there!

I also listened to my friend’s CD, which is an EP, containing six lovely songs. I sat in the dark, listening to the rain and the soft, folky sounds of Born in October, and I sipped on my cup of tea, feeling content that I had achieved a lot to day :)

Making a Picture Book

 

Soooo excited! Just received another two pages from my illustrator! I can't wait to actually finish one of my books and actually say I am a published author! I love the idea of self publishing, because you have control over your own content. You also can just decide your going to run with a concept and start to put it into motion, you don't have to wait around hoping someone will pick it up or approve it. 

Of course with self publishing, you have to pick up more of the workload and more of the cost, but I feel it is the right option for me right now. I'm not saying I would never try and get something published traditionally, but for mow I am happy to just create and see how I go :)

I feel as though I am just finding my feet as a writer, and I have written in a few different genres, Gothic Fantasy/Science Fiction, Murder Mystery, Children's Books and Poetry. I have sat on my manuscripts and ideas for years, and now I am slowly making my way through my boxes of ideas and stories and I can see them coming to life, it's an amazing feeling to to create something and share it with  the world :)

I love the way the world has opened up in the last ten years, E-books are now a thing, a Kindle Reader is now a thing. It has changed the way we create, publish and purchase written media and if it wasn't for this technologically, so many people would not be able to get their work out there!

Who I am as a writer now, is a reflection of all those years of ideas, and I want to release what I have written. Only then will I feel as though I can move onto the new chapter of my life. Moving back to my hometown, soon to be divorced, it feels like a very cathartic and natural thing to do to go over the past, drag out all the old photo albums, all the old stories, and make sense of it all.

It's my way of processing my life's journey so far, and hopefully others will get some joy out of my stories and poetry or at least give them something think about.

Archie the Brave

 

Been working on my books this morning. I'm so excited because I'm finally starting to get some where with something! It feels like for long, it's been just a dream and an idea in my head.

But now, I have more pages on the way from my illustrator, and I'm getting through my stories,and soon they will be ready to be edited.

It actually feels real and I can't believe it's taken me so long to get to this point! I can't wait to see the finished product and know that I am actually living my dream and purpose in life.

Children's Stories-Original Manuscripts

   

When I was 17 I wrote about five or six children's stories. They were pretty simplistic and threw them in the back of the cupboard because I didn't have much faith in them. I will have to rewrite them and add a bit more detail and description to bring them up to scratch. But every story starts with a basic idea.

Now that I've started going through all my art and stories I've boxed up over the years, I've decided to fine tune the stories and have some one illustrate them.

I'm feeling excited about this and am aiming to have at least two children's stories published by the end of the year.

I've always wanted to illustrate my own stories, but this is something I may not worry about until one day in the future, as I know my artwork needs fine tuning, so I'm more than happy to get someone else to do it.

The below drawing is a concept I had for a story about a little girl and cat who is a cookie thief. Once I have  the stories edited and illustrated, I will have to work out how to put them into eBook form, so it's a pretty exciting thing to go from an idea to actually seeing it and feeling it's realness.

There is no better feeling than the satisfaction that comes with creating :)

Strawberry Fields Forever-Part 2

 

I recently did a photo shoot and had family portraits done with the lovely Glen-Lea Photography They were really patient and I had my photos within two weeks as promised and I couldn't be happier with the results :)

I'm so happy with the photos, as they really captured the feel I was going for. I wanted some pictures for my website and an author photo, and I love the vintage/magical feel to these pictures.

I live in rural Australia, and these pictures really capture the beauty of the bush. I hate stuffy photos and will opt for pictures that are themed or in a  nice location every time over a studio shoot with a bland background.

Black and Blue Floral Crown

                   

Materials

Black ribbon

Three bunches of flowers

Strong Craft Glue

Scissors

I always used to buy floral crowns, but these days I tend to make my own, it's so much cheaper and more fun and it take literally only about half an hour if that. I use ribbon instead of headbands, as they don't hurt your head and ribbon is pretty inexpensive. 

Yes you have to worry more about ribbon fraying, but I take very good care of my crowns, so it shouldn't be to much of a problem.

I simply wrap the ribbon around my head and leave a good amount hanging in the back, snip it, then tie it. then lay it flat with the know still in it, and then glue the flowers on. Give it a few hours to dry and all done :)

Books that make my Soul Sing

 

When I was little my mum always read me Enid Blyton books, and when I was little nothing sparked my imagination more. The idea that toys could come to life, the characters of the Faraway Tree, characters of Little Golden Books, just made my childhood magical. I've always known I needed to write, nothing feels more right for me.

I read King Lear and the Crucible in year High School and both these plays really stayed with me. I guess I'm fascinated by human nature, and the brutal themes in these books made me wonder what kind of people could do these things?

Especially because the crucible is based on a true story, which make sit even more bizarre. Sometime truth really is stranger than fiction.

I always knew from a young age I wanted to write. I remember seeing books with gold sticker on them and the librarian telling us that that mean the author had won an award. I remember saying to myself in my mind at only seven or so, that one day, I would win one of those! I FELT it in my soul.

Haha we will see, but whatever happens or how many people read my books, I just have a desire to tell stories and I hope that they bring some pleasure to children and adults.

So, here's a list of books that changed the way I thought about writing:

The Faraway Tree

I loved the characters Moon face and the pixie. I loved the old Dame Washer women, and I loved that you never knew what was going to be at the top of the tree when they got up there. I remember just being so enchanted and excited by these books, it was like anything was possible.

Little Golden Books

I always loved the illustration, even now as an adult I will sit down and admire the illustration of these books, mostly the vintage ones. They have a quaintness and an innocence about them.

The Princess and the Goblin

This book was the first gothic work of fiction I ever read. I’m not sure if it would be classified as such, but I remember the way this book made me feel. It was kind of gloomy and oppressive and strange and romantic all at once, and this is the type of story I want to write.

Anne of Green Gables and The Story Girl

Who doesn’t love Anne’s fiery temper and over dramatic musings? Anne Shirly made me want to ne a writer and teacher.

The Story Girl to me was even better than Anne of Gren Gables. It was just sooo romatic and beautiful.

Huckleberry Finn

This is the first adult book I ever read and I was blown away by the beautiful language. I got to go along the Mississippi when I went to America, so it was a magical moment for me.

There’s just such a magic that some old book possess, it’s the descriptive and beautiful words that just hit you in the soul and you can’t quite explain why, but they just speak to you and move you.

King Lear

Now this play is the best play ever! Forget Romeo and Juliet, I love the brutalness of this play. The savageness of it all. It’s dark and brutal and it just is a lot meatier than Romeo and Juliet and much more interesting. Cordelia is a pain, but we need her in there to create relief from the rest of the savage bunch.

Flowers in the Attic

I don't care what anyone says, Virginia Andrews has a name for her trashy books, but I love every minute of them. These were the most adult books I had ever read at fifteen and I was shocked by the content, but it opened my eyes as to how messed up adult relationships can be, and again the whole idea of revenge and what a motivator that can be really inspired my own writing. We fall in love with Cathy as the protagonist of the book, but as the story goes on we see how she becomes bitter and angry with her mother, and the idea that someone can live their life, but underneath this hatred can dwell, it makes for an interesting story.

The Hobbit

I read this book in year nine and I feel in love with it. I knew that one day I would write a book like this. I did feel a little overwhelmed when reading it as there was just sooo much happened in in it. I guess I never really read such a fantastical book before. It definitely inspired me and still does.

To Kill a Mocking Bird

As with the Crucible, this story fascinated me, not only for the beautiful way it is written, and the magic of the story being told through Scout's eyes, but the fact that it is really a story of mass hysteria and human fear. As I 've grown up and seen people react in ways that I don’t understand or comprehend, I've realised a lot of the time it is fear based. Racism is fear based, hate crimes are feared based, and I think it's basic human nature to want to protect ourselves from the unknown. It's a survival mechanism, but obviously, it has been taken to far on many occasions. If only in a moment of fear and hatred, if people could stop and look at who and why they are hating, then there would be a lot less misery in the world.

The Colour Purple

This book really shocked me when we read it at school as it is full of 'colourful language' and the main character has a lesbian relationship with Shug.... It really opened my eyes though to how people can relate to each other and how these two characters developed their relationship, and it wasn’t about being gay or straight, but about how humans have a basic need for love.

The Crucible

This book changed my life, as I have a fascination with psychology and I have always wondered what drives people to do what they do. The story of Abigail Williams and how an entire town became hysterical over witchcraft has always fascinated me since I read it and saw the movie. It is so hard to believe that such a thing could occur. That someone could not just say, this is madness? If anyone stands up to the status quo, everyone else becomes scared and starts to attack that person to keep them inline. You can witness the very same thing happening in this day and age on Facebook. One person disagrees and you have five or six people jump on their case...

Mob mentality. It is whatever is deemed to be right or wrong a the time.

Gormenghast

All thought I have never actually read the book, I watched the movie when I was a teenager and it just blew my mind. I just knew I was on the right track writing fantasy, there's just something about fantasy that sets my souls a light. I will have to track down the book and read it.

So now that I have written out this list, I can actually see why I write what I do. My favourite genre is Gothic Fantasy, and I LOVE to explore the motivations behind why characters are the way they are. There must be heart, otherwise you have nothing.

Mad Hatter Inspired Outfit...

 

I recently had my birthday and my sister and  dressed up as a punk Alice in Wonderland and the Mad Hatter. I had the party at my friend's house, which was super nice of my friend, as I didn't have to stress too much about cleaning my house before hand or anything like that. Which might sound kinda silly, but when you have three kids, trust me it's not!!

It was the best party I've ever had, with random people turning up that my friend invited, and people dancing all night, there was a great vibe going on. I tend to find that when you have a costume party, not everyone will always dress up, but that's okay. Everyone has different comfort levels.

So this is how we put our costumes together.

My Costume:

Hairpiece-Headband from Kmart. I added fake flowers and drawings.

Dress-Ebay

Petticoat- Hell Bunny

Tattoos- Atomic Cherry

Rabbit-from the Disney Shop from my trip to New York a couple of years ago

Wig- Katy Perry Wig

My sister, Raylene:

 Headpiece-Easter Hat I made for my daughter with stuff from a discount shop

Dress-Chic Star

Coat-Hearts and Roses, bought about six years ago

Petticoat-Ebay

34

 

My 34th Birthday was amazing. I've had my share of birthday disasters, and it's been a hard road for me to find friends over the years. Not because I struggle to make friends, but because I've been quiet isolated due to my circumstances.

Being a stay at home mum can be quite lonely, that's why it's so important to get out and join things like playgroup, but then add on top of that special needs, homeschooling and stress which lead to poor health, it's a recipe for isolation.

I'm not saying that homeschooling or special needs or any of that stuff causes you to be isolated, it simply increases the chances. I cracked under the pressure. I wasn't in a supportive marriage, and it just crumbled. My life crumbled.

So anyway, I have been very lonely for a long time, and it hasn't been great. Now that I have moved back to my hometown and I feel as though I am finally starting to rebuild those connections that are so important for good mental and physical health.

FRIENDS ARE NECESSARY FOR YOUR HEALTH!!

Life flows in seasons, and I had a season of hardship and isolation, but through it all I grew and became stronger. I now know what I want more and what doesn't work.

Anyways, getting back to my birthday disaster...one year, not so long ago I invited a shit load of people to my birthday party at a Chinese restaurant and literally only three people turned up that weren't related to me and these people were people I wasn't even that close to.

I realised I didn't have a gang, I didn't have a tribe...and I felt so pathetic and stupid and just humiliated.

Another year I was planning a Alice in Wonderland type 'Tea Party' Birthday and just before my birthday my boyfriend dumped me and then my party feel apart, because I felt humiliated and I couldn't go on with it, and half the people coming were his friends.

I don't want to get caught up in expectations, perhaps that's where my fault lies, that I expect too much I have been told. But I don't think it's wrong to expect happiness on your birthday! To expect the people that love you to give a shit.

People treat you how you allow, and you get what you ask for and what you put out. If someone doesn't care and can't be bothered and you always give them everything, then it's time to move along. It really is that simple.

I love to celebrate everything...anything is an excuse to be happy, so why not? Who say's we have to stop celebrating life just because we grow up? I'll celebrate until the day I die..life is short and it's the happy memories that make it worth living for.

So my 34th birthday was the best birthday I have ever had...

The day started off with a lovely breakfast my friend cooked for me and my sister, he does this all the time, he holds a thing called 'Breakfast Club' were all get together every holidays and have Brekkie with our group of friends, and anyone else who cares to turn up. It's great. It's kinda like church dinner, when your on your own, it's so important to stay connected.

Then that night we had a party, and a bunch of backpackers turned up on a mini bus and a bunch of the local boys from Vanuatu also turned up. It was a costume party, but of course not everyone dressed up, but there was heaps of dancing and laughs, and in compassion to every other birthday I've ever had, that was by far the best party and best birthday ever.

It didn't matter that I didn't know half the people, everyone was friendly and seemed to enjoy themselves.

I was a little overwhelmed to be honest I couldn't believe so many people were there :)

I've been so depressed for the last two months, as I realised  my marriage is over and I'll be getting divorced soon, but the past three weeks has shocked me out of it. I'm still going to have bad days of course, that's life, but I feel so grateful to have such beautiful people in my life and know that I finally have a group of friends that get me and I belong too.

Harmony Day Floral Crowns

 

It was recently Harmony Day and I made  some orange floral crowns for my daughter and I to wear to play group. I also found some other things to wear it with too.

My dress I bought off E-Bay, which I have an awesome Emerald City craft Outfit post idea for.

 And, a dress my friend gave me, which came from this amazing lady who makes dresses and has a very cool online business, which I will mention in another post when I find the perfect way to style this dress :)